Are you happy Paul.......
Been asked his quite a few times so i think its time i answer this
Yes... (screams inside AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH)
puts on a smile (fake) with all these things i do is the perfect cover up as i am a happy guy sure all these things i do is wonderful and exciting. i agree they are.
But like everyone they always see the outside all the time!
lets begin unlocking my emotions
what i am feeling?
lower self esteem, poor self image,broken spirited, demoralalization(dont know what that is but sure i am feeling it), anger, resentment, self doubt and ah whole host of emotions waiting to kill me.
i have been given Destructive criticism my whole life and i mean that!
parents,family,friends, best friends, people teachers and LOVE.
what i am now is a reflection on whatyou could you say of a scorned cub!
yes scorned cub,
in better terms dont scorn a young cub as one day he make become a Furcious wolf/beast
is this getting a idea of what i am trying to say lets continue!
ok i deny to compliment myself on my physical being why? cause i dont have a ego and my outside is like a storey from the inner me to the outter, i push myself to defend myself to kill myself, to find the most pain and put myself through all it to kill of emotions and be one step ahead of pain, this is a reflection of my physical self, it says more than that , it shows hardships i have been put through and how i manfiest all these emotions and use them as weapon on myself.
i train for pain, because eventually it becomes what i have lacked my whole life "love", yeah yeah you can say what a whiner , and i shall say the same to you only seeing your view but you wouldnt see views of others, because as long as you destroy people and put them down and care for yourself you are happy.
i laugh at all yous i really do.
my physical wellbeing has more stories but there is another blog for another time for that.
"life greatest threat is fear"
yes i agree, but i use my physically wellbeing to kill fear, no i am not sounding macho, many people use other ways, painting, talking with friends, me i bottle it up and kill it.
but somehow it always seems to come back... and i fight on
how can i make others happy or love others if i do not love myself or like myself i am a wreck!
opposite of love is self esteem or self love,
the more you like yourself the less you fear failure and rejection, the more willing you are to take risks.
my dominant thoughts and aspirations of love are gone
i have dramatically and psychology been affected by love , yes you can say grow up or your to young to be like that but like my parents and like others yet again you wont take me seriously, pure and simple you use comfort zones to reject what you hear cause you dont want to know as a act of selflessness, me talkng about my emotions isnt selfness it is me showing excactly how i feel.
when i meet someone new i am more a good friend than anything i dont want to date or have a relationship why? not because i dont like you or your not hot enough , its just me , i dont love myself so i could never love others why cant you understand that, i dont want ot go into a relationship and hurt others becuse of my effects,
thi can describe the way i am is the photo on this blog, look at it its basically me wondering and searching for repairment, maybe in the next few weeks or months who knows , i just want others to understand the way i am and dont get angry at it , cause thats all i have been given critizism my whole life and it just creates more character in me so in a way your helping me, be the best i have ever been
i dont want a hug or compassion i just want everyone to undertsand, why i pick a s quiet exisistance but a huge spirit of events i do , why spend times will dead weight i will only spend time with postive people.
so when people think i am emotionaless you are very wrong indeed.....
"i am willing to change, but many others arent i accept that of them not of me"
my view on love fucked up isnt it
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